A fast-growing community: Shoulder to Shoulder guys meet for coffee and a walk
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When Tom Stroud and Dan Shrigley met for the first time over a coffee, they were struck by how strange it felt to be meeting this way as men.
“We were like, why is it weird for two guys to meet up for coffee like this? Surely there are other guys who are craving more connection.” Dan says.
The pair, who are London-based, thought they’d identified something: were other men in the city looking for connection, but hesitating to ask for it?
That’s how the Shoulder to Shoulder men’s community was born. In January of this year, Dan and Tom set up their first ‘Walk and Coffee’ event, posting an open invitation on Instagram to any men who felt like coming along for a simple hot drink and a stroll. Tom remembers ‘eight guys and a dog’ turning up.
But what started small quickly grew. After a post on Reddit, the Shoulder to Shoulder community dramatically expanded, and now counts thousands of members from across London. Walk and Coffee still happens every other Sunday (fifty men attended the last one), but the popularity of the group means they’ve branched out into other activities too.
This isn’t just another get-together, though. While there’s plenty of room for easy chatter, attendees are also invited to open up a bit too, if they feel like it.
“It’s about creating a safe environment for men to be able to be vulnerable, often with a group of strangers, and get some stuff off their chests.” Tom says.
“At the beginning, the guys get separated into groups, they talk about why they’re here, and that creates commonality. So one guy might be like, ‘I’m two months into a breakup’, and another guy might be like, ‘Oh my god, yeah, me too.’ Dan adds.
One attendee, John (not his real name), explained the value of this: “As men, we all have friends who we like, but we know they will make fun of us. They’re not the friends you go to if you’re really in trouble. I think for men it’s harder to have those friends you really would go to if you were in trouble.”
“There’s this idea that men deliberately finding ways to meet up like this is a bit cringe.”
At the same time, he appreciates that the gatherings don’t feel intentionally therapeutic. “I quite like the fact that it’s very low stakes. It’s just getting a coffee and going for a walk. There’s no expectation, it’s not like a support group where you’re sitting around in a circle and being forced to speak or anything like that. We just start walking, and you naturally end up walking next to someone and start discussing.”
It might seem strange that guys in London are finding it hard to meet and connect: there’s an abundance of things to do. But Tom explains why it’s not that simple.
“Traditionally, the place you might meet other men is third spaces like working men’s clubs, or football. Those spaces are becoming eroded, and men don’t really understand what the replacement is.”
John says the capital presents specific challenges. “London is a bit transient, people come into it in their twenties, they start moving further out in their thirties and forties. Ever since Covid, I’ve been finding it harder and harder to get together with friends.”
And Tom points out that even a full social calendar isn’t a guarantee of real connection. “You can go to a million book clubs or wine tasting events, but when is it that you feel you have permission to meet a stranger and say ‘I think you and I could be friends’? There’s this idea that men deliberately finding ways to meet up like this is a bit cringe.”
Shoulder to Shoulder has come into being at a time when discussions around masculinity and how men should behave are certainly charged. Online figures like Andrew Tate, whose framing of men and women is often reductive and adversarial, have gained huge followings among young men seeking clarity in a complex world.
“Men have been squeezed into roles in relation to their gender. These roles are thousands of years old, but are still very active nowadays.”
Dan says the group meet-ups have provided a reassuring dose of reality. “Actually on the ground, in our community, it’s the complete opposite of that Andrew Tate, manosphere world. There are a lot of guys out there who are really hot on equality, and they’re great men, great role models.”
What’s more, Shoulder to Shoulder makes a point of challenging restrictive male stereotypes through the activities it organises: recent events have included Pilates and flower arranging.
But psychotherapist Dr. Werner Kierski, who completed his doctoral dissertation on male psychology, says prescribed and limiting masculine archetypes are certainly still around. “Men have been squeezed into roles in relation to their gender. These roles are thousands of years old, but are still very active nowadays.” He adds that the pressure some men feel to meet these traditional expectations comes at a cost. “Feeling that you don’t live up to these gender demands, that you’re not strong enough, you’re not fast enough, you’re not successful enough, creates a lot of shame. The experience of vulnerability is often seen as an obstacle to success, and therefore it’s shameful, it’s a weakness.”
Tom and Dan emphasise that the focus of Shoulder to Shoulder is connection, not mental health. At the same time, they acknowledge that the two are intrinsically linked, and feel they’re providing a missing link earlier in the chain.
“The big problem with men’s mental health is that we focus on the crisis point.” says Dan. “The groups that are out there are for men who are like ‘I literally don’t wanna be here anymore’. My argument is that prevention is better than cure. So our indirect mental health impact is that if you can catch someone when they’re having their wobble, before they get into that deep hole, the impact is huge.”
The London Assembly backs this idea: their November report into men’s mental health in the city states that “…although more men are beginning to talk openly about their mental health, too many still struggle to seek support until they are in crisis.” And crisis is still all too common: suicide remains the leading cause of death in men under fifty in the UK. The report confirms that ‘there is considerable mental health stigma for men, with reasons ranging from a reluctance to burden others, poor emotional understanding and societal expectations’.
“If you can catch someone when they’re having their wobble, before they get into that deep hole, the impact is huge.”
Tom and Dan want Shoulder to Shoulder to be a space where these expectations can be set aside, and they are still guarding that space carefully – they turned down my initial request to attend a group meeting and interview attendees in person. Tom explains why.
“We just felt that having a journalist along would completely change the vibe, and it would either make men more scared to be open because of the fear of being judged, or on the flip side, it would make them become performative, and almost show off. While we’re still bedding it in, and while we’re still having new members turning up, it’s just not something that would align with the culture we’re trying to create.”
This desire to protect the community they are building is understandable – while similar groups for London women abound, theirs is one of vanishingly few for men. But its ever-climbing membership indicates that Shoulder to Shoulder is meeting a need; it’s possible other groups will soon follow, encouraging more men to meet, connect, and get that coffee.
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Standfirst
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HeadlineShoulder to Shoulder: The Men’s Community Rewriting the Rules of Masculinity
Short HeadlineLondon men are finding new ways to connect
StandfirstA growing community is bringing the city's men together
When Tom Stroud and Dan Shrigley met for the first time over a coffee, they were struck by how strange it felt to be meeting this way as men.
“We were like, why is it weird for two guys to meet up for coffee like this? Surely there are other guys who are craving more connection.” Dan says.
The pair, who are London-based, thought they’d identified something: were other men in the city looking for connection, but hesitating to ask for it?
That’s how the Shoulder to Shoulder men’s community was born. In January of this year, Dan and Tom set up their first ‘Walk and Coffee’ event, posting an open invitation on Instagram to any men who felt like coming along for a simple hot drink and a stroll. Tom remembers ‘eight guys and a dog’ turning up.
But what started small quickly grew. After a post on Reddit, the Shoulder to Shoulder community dramatically expanded, and now counts thousands of members from across London. Walk and Coffee still happens every other Sunday (fifty men attended the last one), but the popularity of the group means they’ve branched out into other activities too.
This isn’t just another get-together, though. While there’s plenty of room for easy chatter, attendees are also invited to open up a bit too, if they feel like it.
“It’s about creating a safe environment for men to be able to be vulnerable, often with a group of strangers, and get some stuff off their chests.” Tom says.
“At the beginning, the guys get separated into groups, they talk about why they’re here, and that creates commonality. So one guy might be like, ‘I’m two months into a breakup’, and another guy might be like, ‘Oh my god, yeah, me too.’ Dan adds.
One attendee, John (not his real name), explained the value of this: “As men, we all have friends who we like, but we know they will make fun of us. They’re not the friends you go to if you’re really in trouble. I think for men it’s harder to have those friends you really would go to if you were in trouble.”
“There’s this idea that men deliberately finding ways to meet up like this is a bit cringe.”
At the same time, he appreciates that the gatherings don’t feel intentionally therapeutic. “I quite like the fact that it’s very low stakes. It’s just getting a coffee and going for a walk. There’s no expectation, it’s not like a support group where you’re sitting around in a circle and being forced to speak or anything like that. We just start walking, and you naturally end up walking next to someone and start discussing.”
It might seem strange that guys in London are finding it hard to meet and connect: there’s an abundance of things to do. But Tom explains why it’s not that simple.
“Traditionally, the place you might meet other men is third spaces like working men’s clubs, or football. Those spaces are becoming eroded, and men don’t really understand what the replacement is.”
John says the capital presents specific challenges. “London is a bit transient, people come into it in their twenties, they start moving further out in their thirties and forties. Ever since Covid, I’ve been finding it harder and harder to get together with friends.”
And Tom points out that even a full social calendar isn’t a guarantee of real connection. “You can go to a million book clubs or wine tasting events, but when is it that you feel you have permission to meet a stranger and say ‘I think you and I could be friends’? There’s this idea that men deliberately finding ways to meet up like this is a bit cringe.”
Shoulder to Shoulder has come into being at a time when discussions around masculinity and how men should behave are certainly charged. Online figures like Andrew Tate, whose framing of men and women is often reductive and adversarial, have gained huge followings among young men seeking clarity in a complex world.
“Men have been squeezed into roles in relation to their gender. These roles are thousands of years old, but are still very active nowadays.”
Dan says the group meet-ups have provided a reassuring dose of reality. “Actually on the ground, in our community, it’s the complete opposite of that Andrew Tate, manosphere world. There are a lot of guys out there who are really hot on equality, and they’re great men, great role models.”
What’s more, Shoulder to Shoulder makes a point of challenging restrictive male stereotypes through the activities it organises: recent events have included Pilates and flower arranging.
But psychotherapist Dr. Werner Kierski, who completed his doctoral dissertation on male psychology, says prescribed and limiting masculine archetypes are certainly still around. “Men have been squeezed into roles in relation to their gender. These roles are thousands of years old, but are still very active nowadays.” He adds that the pressure some men feel to meet these traditional expectations comes at a cost. “Feeling that you don’t live up to these gender demands, that you’re not strong enough, you’re not fast enough, you’re not successful enough, creates a lot of shame. The experience of vulnerability is often seen as an obstacle to success, and therefore it’s shameful, it’s a weakness.”
Tom and Dan emphasise that the focus of Shoulder to Shoulder is connection, not mental health. At the same time, they acknowledge that the two are intrinsically linked, and feel they’re providing a missing link earlier in the chain.
“The big problem with men’s mental health is that we focus on the crisis point.” says Dan. “The groups that are out there are for men who are like ‘I literally don’t wanna be here anymore’. My argument is that prevention is better than cure. So our indirect mental health impact is that if you can catch someone when they’re having their wobble, before they get into that deep hole, the impact is huge.”
The London Assembly backs this idea: their November report into men’s mental health in the city states that “…although more men are beginning to talk openly about their mental health, too many still struggle to seek support until they are in crisis.” And crisis is still all too common: suicide remains the leading cause of death in men under fifty in the UK. The report confirms that ‘there is considerable mental health stigma for men, with reasons ranging from a reluctance to burden others, poor emotional understanding and societal expectations’.
“If you can catch someone when they’re having their wobble, before they get into that deep hole, the impact is huge.”
Tom and Dan want Shoulder to Shoulder to be a space where these expectations can be set aside, and they are still guarding that space carefully – they turned down my initial request to attend a group meeting and interview attendees in person. Tom explains why.
“We just felt that having a journalist along would completely change the vibe, and it would either make men more scared to be open because of the fear of being judged, or on the flip side, it would make them become performative, and almost show off. While we’re still bedding it in, and while we’re still having new members turning up, it’s just not something that would align with the culture we’re trying to create.”
This desire to protect the community they are building is understandable – while similar groups for London women abound, theirs is one of vanishingly few for men. But its ever-climbing membership indicates that Shoulder to Shoulder is meeting a need; it’s possible other groups will soon follow, encouraging more men to meet, connect, and get that coffee.
